The full title is Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy (2017). Sheryl’s husband Dave, not quite fifty and the love of her life, died after working out on a treadmill at a Mexican resort where she and Dave were vacationing. They had been married for 11 years and expected a long life together.
Sheryl and Adam
I have seven quotes for you that just might get you thinking I need to run, not walk, to a local bookstore, Amazon, or a public library to get this book for myself or for a loved one dealing with the unexpected.
This quote really hit home for me. When someone says a causal greeting to another grieving like How are you? [it hurt] because it didn’t acknowledge that anything out of the ordinary had happened. I pointed out that if people instead asked, How are you today? it showed that they were aware that I was struggling to get through each day.
When someone is grieving, there is a need for an opener (e.g. Hannah). By staying silent [when one is grieving], we often isolate family, friends, and coworkers…Unlike non-questioning friends, openers ask a lot of questions and listen to the answers without judging. They enjoy learning about and feeling connected to others. Openers can make a big difference in times of crises, especially for those who are normally reticent. So Hannah!
Rather than say to a grieving person or one who just heard of a cancer diagnosis It’s going to be okay…or everything happens for a reason, the most powerful thing you can do is acknowledge. To literally say the words: I acknowledge your pain. I’m here with you.
Growing up, I was taught the Golden Rule: treat others as you want to be treated. But when someone is suffering, instead of following the Golden Rule, we need to follow the Platinum Rule: treat others as they want to be treated.
Daily I (Dan) have been writing a page of gratitudes in my journal. I’ve changed to something I learned in Option B. …counting our blessings doesn’t boost our confidence or our effort, but counting our contributions can…gratitude is passive: it makes us feel thankful for what we receive. Contributions are active: they build confidence by reminding us that we can make a difference. I now encourage my friends and colleagues to write about what they have done well.
Some grieving parents over the death of a child experienced post traumatic growth, instead of post-traumatic stress. Much more to this and it all starts on page 78.
There are so many more jewels that I dog-eared when I read Option B, but I’ll end with two. Surgery patients who watch comedies request 25% less pain medication.
Chapter 9 – Failing and Learning at Work. The chapter points out the importance of admitting mistakes and not trying to hide failures. Scientist Melanie Stefan suggested her academic colleagues be more honest on their CVs (resumes). Princeton professor Johannes Haushofer took her up on the challenge and wrote two pages of rejections.
As a quasi-academic for 12 years, I had a ten-page CV of accomplishments, selections, and triumphs. But already writing these additions to my CV feels quite liberating.
1990-1991 – received 100 rejection letters or no response at all for my first book, “Sweet Dreams, Robyn,” before Joy and Marv Johnson at Centering Corporation took a chance on an unpublished writer.
1992 – Turned down for the one-year Teacher-in-Residence position at the University of New Hampshire.
1993 – Selected for the one-year Teacher-in-Residence position at the University of New Hampshire.
1995 – Twice had my dissertation rejected at the University of New Hampshire.
1996 – Had my dissertation accepted by my dissertation committee at UNH
1996 – Turned down for an assistant professor position at Colby Sawyer College in New Hampshire.
1996 – Despite not having finished my dissertation, hired at Eastern Connecticut State University to teach in the Department of Education.
I bet you are connecting the dots. The seeds of success can be sown in rejection.